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What Is Self-Esteem?

The term self-esteem is used to describe a person’s overall sense of self-worth or personal value. In other words, how much you appreciate and like yourself.

• Self-esteem is often seen as a personality trait, which means that it tends to be stable and enduring over the lifespan.
• Self-esteem can involve a variety of beliefs about yourself, such as the appraisal of your own appearance, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors.
• Self-esteem refers to a person’s beliefs about their own worth and value. It also has to do with the feelings people experience that follow from their sense of worthiness or unworthiness. 

Self-esteem is based on who you are and the relationships and experiences you have had at home, in school, with friends, and in the community. You form an image of yourself based on these experiences and relationships, starting with your parent or primary caregiver. Positive experiences and relationships contribute to healthy self-esteem, and negative experiences and relationships contribute to poor self-esteem.

Self-Esteem Is Important

Self-esteem is important because it heavily influences people’s choices and decisions. For instance, some people really like cars. Because cars are important to them, these people take really good care of their cars. They make good decisions about where to park the car, how often to get it serviced, and how they will drive it. They may decorate the car and then show it off to other people with pride. Self-esteem is like that, except it is yourself that you love, care for and feel proud of. When children believe they are valuable and important, they take good care of themselves. They make good decisions about themselves which enhance their value rather than break it down.

Self-esteem is important because it heavily influences people’s choices and decisions. In other words, self-esteem serves a motivational function by making it more or less likely that people will take care of themselves and explore their full potential.

Healthy self-esteem can help you achieve your goals and can contribute to good relationships with others. It can give you self-confidence. Poor self-esteem can make it difficult to get things done, make you question your abilities, and can even contribute to depression.

Signs of Healthy Self-Esteem

You probably have a good sense of who you are if you exhibit the following signs: 

• Confidence
• Ability to say no
• Positive outlook
• Ability to see overall strengths and weaknesses and accept them
• Negative experiences don’t impact overall perspective
• Ability to express your needs

Signs of Poor Self-Esteem

You may need to work on how you perceive yourself if you exhibit any of these signs of poor self-esteem: 

• Negative outlook
• Lack of confidence
• Inability to express your needs
• Focus on your weaknesses
• Excessive feelings of shame, depression, or anxiety
• Belief that others are better than you
• Trouble accepting positive feedback
• Intense fear of failure

Rebuilding Self-Esteem

Rebuilding self-esteem takes time, self-compassion, self-acceptance, patience and mindful action. Here are 4 things you can do to rebuild your self-esteem:

• Be Mindful of Self-Talk

Negative self-talk can really alter our perspective on the world and our role in it. The problem with negative self-talk is that over time, it can become something which happens automatically – we don’t even realize we’re doing it. In order to change that, we need to start being mindful of our thoughts. We need to consider whether the expectations we place on ourselves are realistic and fair. Whether we allow ourselves to make mistakes and learn from them or make mistakes and erode ourselves with belittling and self-loathing. Try reading daily affirmations.

• Make An Effort To Practice Self-Care

Self-Care really matters and it doesn’t have to be expensive. The negative self-talk we may be indulging in can become dominating, overbearing and destructive. When we take small actions of self-care, we’re taking back some of the power. We’re showing our negative thoughts that we ARE worthy of care and kindness.  It can be very empowering.

• Spend Time With People That Give You Good Energy

Sometimes we spend time with people we don’t really enjoy, it doesn’t feel like a choice but an obligation or duty. Sometimes we don’t know how to say ‘no’and so we bend backwards to accommodate the needs of others. Try to spend time with those you actually enjoy spending time with. Those who you would absolutely choose to see. Practice saying ‘no’ to those that bring you down. It’s not easy, but it does get easier over time.

• Compartmentalize

To avoid feeling overwhelmed or not good enough, try breaking things down into smaller chunks. Each time you complete a micro action, your faith in your abilities will grow incrementally over time. Smaller actions tend to be achievable, maintainable and not at all overwhelming. Learn to create small successes.

During the current pandemic most children are at home and will not be returning to school or daycare for many weeks to come.  This can create chaos in the house and make parenting a difficult and sometimes overwhelming experience.  This article is about creating a structure in your home so that its not becoming a never ending free-for-all.  Let’s look at some common behavioral challenges and how structure can help you, as a parent, to reduce some of these problems.

Consistent routines and rules help create order and structure your day. Things go more smoothly when you and your child know what to expect. When things are reliable and predictable it can relieve anxiety and apprehension.

It’s normal for young children to test the limits. That’s how they learn what is right and wrong. But, it can be frustrating and really test our patience as parents! One way to keep control and help children learn is to create structure. Structure is created by consistent routines and rules. Rules teach children what behaviors are okay and not okay. Routines teach children what to expect throughout the day.

Structure helps parents and their kids. Kids feel safe and secure because they know what to expect. Parents feel confident because they know how to respond, and they respond the same way each time. Routines and rules help structure the home and make life more predictable.

Three key ingredients to building structure in the home:

1. Consistency
2. Predictability 
3. Follow-through

Consistency

Consistency means that you respond to your child’s behavior the same way every time no matter what is going on or how you’re feeling. Misbehaviors are less likely to occur again if you always use the same consequence, like ignoring or time-out. Good behaviors are likely to be repeated if you let your child know you like them. This doesn’t mean that you need to give consistent attention to ALL of your child’s behaviors. Think about something you want your child to do more often. This could be sharing, cleaning up, or following directions. To increase those behaviors, praise them each time you see them occur. Your consistent response will help those behaviors happen more often.

Predictability

Predictability means your child knows what will happen and how you will respond. When your daily routines are predictable, your child knows what to expect for the day. When your rules are predictable, your child knows how you will react to her behavior.

Follow Through

Following through means that you do what you say you will do in response to your child’s behaviors. This is often called the “say what you mean and mean what you say.” If you tell your child a behavior will be punished, you punish it every time it happens. If you tell your child he will be rewarded for a behavior, you give him the reward after he has done what you asked. To be consistent and predictable, we need to follow through. Follow-through is important for ALL behaviors. This includes behaviors we like and don’t like. Use the Reward Menu and Consequence Chart (below)

Reward Menu

The concept of a reward menu is to have incentives that you can easily use to promote desired behaviors.  Poll the child/children to see what kinds of things they would like and create a list with a variety of their choices that you agree to provide. Some items may be food rewards, video game time, staying up late, getting out of a chore, reading a book with mom, etc.  The menu can offer the five to ten most popular choices. 

Consequence Chart

The concept of a consequence chart is to get your child/children to participate in their own punishment choices for 3 levels of infractions.  This process creates a kind of contract with the kids.  For each level, negotiate up to 4 consequences. By doing this at a time of calmness and cooperation, executing it during a battle becomes a much easier way to enforce the consequences.  Also, you as a parent have a ready made list of choices that are appropriate for the right level of infraction.  It is probably not fair to be on restriction for 3 months for leaving the lights on.

1. Level 1:  YELLOW ZONE – minor infraction
2. Level 2:  ORANGE ZONE – moderate infraction
3. Level 3:  RED ZONE – major infraction

Bedtime Routines

Establishing a bedtime routine is very important. This routine includes what your child does before bed and where your child sleeps at night. It may be helpful for the routine to include things that help your child relax, such as reading a story. Once you decide on the activities for the routine, talk about it with your child. Some parents like to make the routine into a song and sing it with the child. For example, you can sing, “After you take a bath, we’re going to put your PJs on, brush your teeth, get you in your bed, read a story, and then it’s time for sleep!” Your child may try to push the limits and get a “few more minutes” of awake time before sleeping, but do not allow this. At the end of the routine, leave your child to sleep. By creating a bedtime routine and sticking with it consistently, your child knows exactly when and where she should be sleeping.

Troubles With Transitions

Having trouble getting your child to go from one activity to another during the day? Daily schedules can help because they take the surprise out of what will happen next.

A structure that helps your child learn to behave has routines and rules that are consistent, predictable, and have follow through. There is a basic routine you follow and rules you live by on most days of the week. You set appropriate expectations and limits for your child’s behaviors. Your child learns how you are going to respond to behaviors that are okay or not okay.

Daily schedule

• Wake up at 9:00 a.m. 
• Cartoons until breakfast at 9:30 a.m.
• Get dressed for the day
• Snack at 11:00 a.m.
• Art or Science activity until lunch
• Lunch at 1:00 followed by nap/quiet time at 1:30 p.m.
• Outdoor play following nap or quiet time around 2:00 pm
• 3:00 pm Snack and Video games/TV/reading
• 4:00 pm chores (older kids)
• Prepare dinner around 5:00 p.m., eat around 6:00 p.m.
• Bath time around 7:30 p.m.
• Read or do something together, like a game or art project, around 8:00 p.m.
• Pajamas, brush teeth and then to bed by 8:00 p.m. (younger kids)
• Read story and quiet/asleep by 9:30 p.m. (older kids)

Tips

• Instead of looking at large time blocks, make the day into short, manageable chunks (think 30-minute blocks).
• Be flexible! Don’t stick to the time listed in the schedule, it’s more about flow. If the kids are playing nice – don’t stop them because the schedule says it’s snack time. Let it be.
• Adjust this to fit your child – you know your kid(s) and what they need. You know how long they can tolerate certain activities. Adjust for them.
• Don’t rely on screen time to save the day: use screens as your tool and reserve it for when it’s crucial.
• It’s important to give some of your time to engage in activities with the kids, but also encourage some independent play for kids so you can get some time to yourself also.